Darwin is a fake......

There are 3 words you don't want to hear when you at an airport is: Bomb, Cancelled and Delayed. Yep, so here I am at the airport terminal and my flight is delayed. So I have 3 hours to kill. So what does that mean? Blog time.

As I was walking to the airport carrying my backpack, computer and a bottle of water in the 80 degree weather along the 1/2 mile path of pesticide contaminated grass and I thought to myself "that damn Darwin is a fake". Why do I say that? Well, after trying to drink and walk at the same time, spilling water on my shirt, I wondered why are we not polydactyly born? (Did I use that word right? I was watching a show on TLC and heard it. Whatever) Wouldn't it help to have an extra hand? Evolution is dictated based on survival of the fittest and factual items, right? In thinking of what would be cool to have, lets keep this realistic and not add BS items like x-ray vision or jumping higher than a tall building. So, here is my list of items we would have if evolution was real:

1. A monkey tail. It provides balance, it can hold items, it can act like a whip, you can use it to wipe your butt, etc. If we evolved from apes, shouldn't we at least have the one item what would be beneficial? But no, you see guys with hairy backs or ladies with overbites. I am just saying. A tail would be nice to have.

2. A third eye in the back of your head. Flies have millions (well not really but it looks like it). I know what you are saying, that would look weird as hell. Yep, I agree with you but you can hide it with your hair. How many times could you have used it? Ever had the problem with someone talking behind your back? No more. Wondering if girls are checking you out at the club? No biggie. Someone trying to jump you from the rear? Karate back kick. Problem with reversing your car? Dust it off your shoulder. So many more benefits to this. Just don't have a birth defect and grow in on your forehead. Now, that would be weird.

3. Shedding skin. To add, that would be like shedding weight. Snakes outgrow theirs. You fall asleep on the beach while the kids are enjoying the waves. You wake up and someone mistakes you for a extra large lobster. Well no more, zip, gone and back to brand new. No more walking like a zombie trying hard to have skin to skin contact. Even if you don't burn, you can get rid of the peeling skin. How was that date looking like a mummy? Not too good. You would never have to worry about having elephant skin and looking like you are 60 when you are barely 30.

4. Wings. I know, that should be number 1, right. This past weekend, I watched the movie Legion where St Micheal came down from heaven to protect the unborn child from death...yada, yada, yada. Ok, the best part was the fight between Micheal and Gabriel. At the time, Micheal cut off his wings and was "human" while Gabriel did his trumpet thing and came down to do the job St Micheal should have done. So when Micheal pulled out a shot gun during the fight, Gabs did a 360 vortex spin and his wings acted like shields. How awesome is that? Not only can you fly but you can use them as protection. Again, if evolution was real, don't you think every living thing would have it? Come on, so many benefits.

Lastly, for men, expandable (slong) and for women, inflatable (who-who). OK, trying to keep this blog PG rated. You have many animals (puffer fish, lizard tongue, etc) that would fit this criteria. Why not us? I know 99.9 percent of humans would love to have this option. Of course, you would see men using it in tripod mode. Woman clothing would look weird since no one would wear XS. But the benefits really...really.....really....outweight the cons.

So why is this not the case? Darwin is a fraud. However, I have a question for the all-mighty. When you made me in your imagine, could you not have given me some of your skills? Why all I get is free will? At least the power to make stuff....

Feeling the breeze....

When I was young, I was fascinated with Arnold Schwarzenegger when I got into body building. He had the physique like no one I ever seen before. No wonder he had that winning streak of Mr Olympias back in the day. Of course, that lead into full feature movies like Predator and one of my favorite Commando. I dreamt that one day I too could be like Commando. Who would have thought today was the day.

I woke up this morning at 5am and headed to the gym to get a good workout in. Great bike ride and worked up a great sweat. I had a meeting to make in downtown Milwaukee so the exit time to get there was 7am so I ended my workout at 6am. I planned that it would take an hour to drive back, shower, shave, get my things ready, grab fruits for breakfast and pick up my old boss Gwen Goss. As I got out of the shower, I headed to the dresser to pull out the essentials. Socks..check...undershirt...check....underwear........um.....what the hell......underwear..... So I opened all of my drawers and scoured the room. Opened up the every bag I had and nothing. Now what. Can I get to a Walmart and make it to my meeting on time? No. So, I decided to go commando. Yep, my boys were left swinging in the air and had that cool breeze all day. Of course, you always are aware of the zipper to the scrotum sack when utilizing the bathroom. All day, I had that scene from Something about Mary where Ben Stiller zipped up his sack. It was the funnest scene in that movie. I sure didn't want that to happen to me.

After making the day, my mind was to get some support for the family jewels. Of course, I had to head back to the other site upon completion. I had my old boss with me and I told her I need to head to a store. She asked "for"? I said, I am full monty under my pants and she went into dry heaves and trying hard not to laugh. So embarrassed. I tried to explain but why should I. This conversation needed to end before it got uncomfortable. So I ran into the nearest Target and grabbed a 5 pack, purchased it and headed into the bathroom and put one on....Ahhhh. When I returned, she looked at me with one eyebrow raised. I looked at her, put my head down and just started the car and we headed off. Hey, I have a reason....really I do.....oh well....

Why would it be any different????

If you havent noticed by now, I spend a lot of time in airport terminals just waiting for my flight back and forth from York to Milwaukee. I have to say, its getting old very quick but its a job and somebody has to do it. As I was muddling through a very uneventful weekend and munching on a bag of sweet spicy chili Doritos (come on, don't hate) and I was wondering how addicted am I? I don't think I am really addicted like someone to crack but how would I know? I went through the steps of what I do to get these, how I tend to hide it from others and go about how important it is to my daily routine. after much debate, I am a level 5 addict. How did I determine this? Here is a list to follow to determine your addiction level. This is from least amount to full blown addict.

10. You have taken a picture of it and have it somewhere with you. You seen the famous photo of Snoop Dog with the joint and all the smoke flowing out from his nostril. He claims to hit it from time to time but when you are in a photo with it, its the start. And as you can tell by my photo, I been there and got the t-shirt.

9. You are part of their fan club. I cannot say what level I am, but I am on the list. I ask for emails when they come out with new flavors. I have also called when they discontinued a flavor. Like the time they got rid of guacamole flavor. It was the best I ever tasted. When I called, they mentioned that it was just a trial version and maybe they would reintroduce that. Hey you have a fan of your product calling you to ask for this specific flavor and you want to think about it? What is there to think? I want it!!!! I want it!!!! Um, ok that was weird..... I haven't thrown away my t-shirt when she gave me attitude. I just stepped on it a few times then I said sorry to the shirt before hand washing it.

8. You have a stash somewhere in your place of work. Yep, I have that as well. I tend not to have as much as I would like to but I tend to always have a bag there. I don't know what happen, they are like rabbits. Multiplying by the minute. Not like I am complaining.

7. You get irritable if you don't get it. Oh yeah, I been there so many times before. I even made u turns when I saw a spot to get some when I am feeling it. Inside I do feel a bit upset that I let myself get drawn in to it but its calling me. Can you hear the voice? Eat me, Mitch....Eat me.....wow...let me stop there.

6. You plan your day around it. Yes, I have placed it in my calender from time to time to buy them. On my calender. How sick is that? You use a calender to plan events and task to do. What the hell is a task: Buy Doritos. Should I feel even worse that I even label them by flavor? Moving on....

5. You have ordered it online because you cannot find it anywhere in your area. I found a barrel of Doritos guacamole from an outskirt location in Alaska. I am already putting my head down in shame just thinking about it. So when I called, the man on the phone couldn't be specific on if it was actually Doritos Guacamole. Is this how crack fiends feel? So he wanted $80 dollars for it. I am really embrassed about this but they were stale. I ate them all already.

4. You name a pet or kid after it. So when you run into kids with names like Dust, Nacho, Tingle, Crystal, Diamond, Nico, Mercedes, etc, you know thier parents addiction. I dont have a pet and I my kids are already of age but if I get a pet, its name will be Gucamole. I would call it G-Mo. Seriously. It has to be something green like a lizard or frog to pull that off. It would not be good if its a brown dog or something.

3. You have stolen money or sold vauables to pay for it. Lucky for me, Doritos come in 99 cent bags. I dont know what I would do if they were 10 bucks a shot. Would I sell my 1965 Betty Boop collection? Um, just kidding. I dont have a collection that old. NO! I dont own a Betty Boop collection!! Stop the madness!!! Seriously, I seen shows where people become homeless due to the addiction. I really dont think I am in that class. What I could sell is my old chip bag collection. What? Yes, I collect chip bags. Is that wrong?

2. You would roll around naked with it in bed. Now, I can imagine someone walking into my room and seeing me naked on the bed surrounded with nacho cheese crumbs and sweet spicy chili....I would be licking my arms.....flopping like a fish out of water. You seen people do that with money. Is that far off? Yes, of course I would shower first and no, I would not use a dip.

1. You would sell yourself or do anything for it. This is a area that I can only draw from shows to fill in the blanks. I would strave since I would get no business. Filipino dude would pole dance for 99 cents??? Anyone????

How the hell did that happen?

As I was creating my latest post for my blog yesterday while sitting in the terminal of the airport, I happen to see a older woman frantically looking around. So, being a good Samaritan like I am, I asked this dude next to me to check out that bat flying around lost......kidding. The lady saw me looking and approached me and asked for the gate for her upcoming flight. I pointed to the big screen which has all of the upcoming departures and said to find her destination, match it with the flight number and the gate will be at the right hand side under the gate column. So the woman heads to the screen and stands there for I swear 5 minutes, glaring at the monitor. She finally decides to pull out her boarding pass and tries to locate her gate. In disgust, she turns back to me and walks back with that look of "ok, I don't want to be a bother, but I cant figure out how to get out of a paper bag so how the hell do you expect me to read this monitor"? Well, she could have said that inside, right? Anyway, realizing she needed help, I take the boarding pass and head to the monitor. Ok, destination....Atlanta....check. flight number......hum....dont see it.....ok, what time does it leave......2:10. Holy cow, its already 1:40, she would be boarding already. Where the hell is this flight....carrier....Delta....Delta? There is no Delta flights coming out of this concourse. I looked at her and told her that she is in the wrong concourse. I asked how did she get in this concourse through security? She said "I don't know and just tell me where to go now". Wow, not the nicest person in the world, but I understand she is in a hurry. I told her to head back to security on this concourse and ask them which concourse has this flight and have them escort you to the flight as it should be boarding now. She gives me that look...you know the look. Its the look like "damn, I am screwed and I barely understood what he just said but I am too embarrassed to ask again". Yep, that look. So I said again "just head to security and they will help you". She grabs her stuff and off she went.
As I sat back down, I was wondering how the hell did that happen? Wouldn't someone in security when checking the IDs, see that she would be entering in the wrong concourse and turn her around? Using my illogical mind, I think this is how it happened:

Security: Good afternoon madam, boarding pass and ID please.

Lady: Why? I don't want you snooping my ID for my personal information.

Security: What? No, we need to verify who you are and check it against your boarding pass.

Lady: I know your type, still living in your mom's basement, playing video games till the wee hours in the morning and smoking pot. Look, you cant even get a decent haircut.

Security: Madam, I just need to see your ID and boarding pass please.

Lady: Dream on, John Lennon looking bum. I wont have my neighbors see some homeless bum camped out on the lawn begging for food.

Security: What? What do you mean homeless? Madam, If you dont give me those items, I will have to ask you to step aside...

Lady: Here you homeless bum. I got my eye on you.

Security: Excuse me, madam, but you are at the wrong....

Lady: Yeah, see I knew you were a loser. Cant you read? There is nothing wrong with my boarding pass and ID. Its not expired. Will you hurry up?

Security: Um, you are good to go madam. Have a nice day.

Lady: Its about time....thank you.

Yep, thats what I think happened..... What else could it have been?

Setting me up for failure...

Thursday is finally here and I fly back home to enjoy the time with my family. As I am heading out to the airport in Milwaukee, as normal, I parked my car at the HD hanger and begin my stroll to the terminal. Unfortunately for me, part of this stroll has no sidewalks and I have to venture unto a grassy path until I get to the taxi cab waiting area. as I reached the end of this grassy path, I notice a small sign with a little green flag on it. It a warning not to walk on the grass since someone just applied some pesticides. Um, what? Where was the sign at the beginning of the path? I immediately jumped off the path into the roadway (there is no other avenue of rescue) and look at my feet. There are whitish chalk marks on the side, aka anthrax. Holy Moly Batman! So as I humiliate myself by performing the Indian tribal rain dance to get this off my shoes, I rant on how the hell I was not notified properly. What is the use of having it at the end? Did I miss the other one at the other end? No. Slowly my right leg becomes numb. Feels like a club foot (well, I assume that's how it would feel like). I drag my limp appendage along the side of the road. The only thing missing is me having a zombie look and moaning "AHHHHHH".... with my arms straight forward. Ok, I over exaggerated on that. But still, it could have happened. What would happen if I looked at the sign at it said "Warning, keep off, nuclear waste dumping site". I would have grown a third eye and a tail. Come on! (Actually, I would love to have a tail. Think about all of the uses you can get from it). In fact, that would make a great blog topic.
All for now, time to board the plane....

Is there a thing of too much of a good thing?

Can you eat too much sushi? Maybe. After consuming 3 rolls on Monday night for dinner, Tuesday for lunch and dinner, I grew gills. So tonight crab legs. Yum...
But I miss the avocado, tuna and salmon rolled up and artfully placed upon the square plate. Yup, I am a fan of sushi from Takara. If looking for sushi in Milwaukee, this spot is a hidden gem.
Half price specials highlights the menu on Monday and Tuesday, I always make a run to this spacious, classically decorated Japanese sushi and hibachi house. One would think its a crime to enjoy tasty, fresh hand rolled sushi combinations from Dragon roll to the spicy girl maki for half of what the other places sell it for (if even offered). I always sit at the bar and watch the three amigos go to work like master craftsmen at their trade.
I know what you are thinking, "whats the catch"? You will over eat and have to wobble out of that place. You will find my body impression right outside the front door like a Hollywood walk of fame star. I guess you can find heaven on earth. I know I did. Totally recommended for the sushi lover.

So much seafood....in the mood for a bag of Doritos...ahhhh....

Random thoughts this morning while waiting for my flight....

Its been two months of traveling back and forth from York to Milwaukee. I have to admit its getting old. However, to keep my sanity, I tend to observe others while I file through the normal process of flying. Here are my observations:

1. Is it bad that I have no remorse for the security ID clerk that had to work 6 days in a row? Um, hello, you check IDs. Do the photos talk to you after a while? Are you looking for remorse? I am sorry, I have none to sell.

2. I truly believe people do not have mirrors at home. Since when did the Amish beard look come into fashion? When is that acceptable wear? What's next? walking around in PJs? Wait, they already do that, at least when shopping at WalMart. You know its bad when there is a web site dedicated just for this.

3. Do people know what metal is? Keys are metal. So, it does mean you take it out of your pocket to go through security. And yes, it is worthless to complain even If you try. The beep verified it. If you want to continue to argue, we can run you through the space pod that flicks air at you. I don't know what they are checking. Maybe its the pod hitting on humans? Hey, big boy, love your bone structure....ok.

4. If you don't like checking bags, why would you bring two 32 ounce shampoo and conditioner with you if all you have is a carry on? Is that special blend formulated to your hair? Did the OCD kick in and you cannot use one without exhausting the other?

5. Knee high socks do not go with sandals. I don't care how old you are. Don't even talk to me about the hole in the toe of the sock when you know you are heading to the airport and have to take off your shoes. Come on, you didn't know you had to take off your shoes?

6. All people are opportunist. How can a senior run pass me and yet be allowed to board with people with needs? What is the need? To piss people off? It worked on me. Note, I am cranky before having some kind of caffeinated drink and having limited sleep the night before.

7. If you use a badge to work, it doesn't make you important once you are out of the office. So take it off George from Maryland/Delaware. I don't need to see your picture when I can see your face.

8. When will someone create the kids airlines? If you are traveling with more than 4 kids and 2 of them are already yelling before you board, that's not a good sign. It’s like cracking the egg to make an omelet and a beak falls out. It’s a sign. A sign to pack the 6 pack into the car and drive. Seriously, you can stop on the way out there and yell when needed. Cant do that on a flight.

9. Women, if I wore a police uniform, then you may think I am a cop. That's assumed. So, forgive me if you wear 6 inch heels, tight leather clothing and half your body hanging out that I would believe you are a hooker. That's the uniform they wear. At least that's what I am told. And no, I didn't ask.

10. I am not sure of the date of invention but I know there is such a thing as deodorant. So that smell you are sharing can be covered or eliminated. Don't get me started on that one.

Ok, enough for now. Boarding the plane.

Managing the rage.....

3 things you should know about me.

1. I am a terrible driver. Not that I don't know how to drive but I get road rage…..bad. Yes, I yell in the car.

2. I accept that I am addicted to Doritos. Don't tell me to quit. I don’t know how anyone can hate those things. So many flavors enticing your taste buds…..I’m drooling…. Moving on…

3. I know I have a bit of a gut but I hate sit ups. So far, my desire to look fit is overwhelmed by my desire to eat. Again, I accept that.

Ok, so why the admission? As I was traveling to the airport to head back home, point 1 reared its ugly head. So i asked myself, if I was nominated to be the Head of the Department of Transportation, what laws would be enacted effective immediately?

Here is a list of my top 10 choices:

1. No large transport trucks allowed during the rush hours. That's 5am to 8, 1130 to 1 and 430 to 6. Don't tell me that they are people too and they need to go home as well. if that was the case, drive like you have a purpose. Don’t those vehicles have V-12 engines? I know they go over 40 mph.

2. When allowed on the road, the large transports are not allowed in the left lane ever! Can't emphasize ever.

3. People under the age of 18 and over the age of 65 must renew their driver’s license with a skill driving tests annually. No exceptions.

4. My driving test would consist of the following questions:

A. Do you feel like driving is similar to a horse race where you inch by each other?

B. Do you feel that if you can read the bumper stickers of the car in front of you than you are too close?

C. Do you feel that only your situation is important and that everyone else must adjust to you regardless if you are doing 20 in the left lane?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, instant failure and driving privilege suspended for one year.

5. People will be allowed to mount paint ball guns on the hood of their cars. During these times, you are allowed to fire a paint ball at the violating car:

A. Chatting on the cell phone with disregard to traffic.

B. Women trying to fix their face. You know what I mean.

C. Men shaving.

D. Cars that the rims are more expensive than the car itself.

E. Cars with those loud mufflers. Two shots if both D and E applies.

F. Cars where you can hear and understand the lyrics of the songs they are playing. I don't want to hear that? 3 shots If D, E and F applies. You may substitute the 3 shots with a t-bone demolition option.

G. Cars that you know are fast (Mustangs, Camaros, Mercedes, etc) that are driving slowly.

Another note of the paint gun scenario, it proves evolution is false. If so, people would have eyes in the back of their head. Or are people that obtuse? I can go on and on for the merits of the eyes on the back of the head point but let's move on.....

6. People must wear the patterns of the road working crew’s ability. So, people from Milwaukee would wear only plaids or leopard prints and items with holes.

7. I would develop a portable highway bridge and have it "Air Bobbed" into place where there is traffic so it would be a double increase to traffic capacity. Seriously, no one can perfect that?

8. Change the speed limit to mimic those in Germany on the autobahn. So, there would be no worries to maintain that 10 miles over the speed limit so that the cops don't pull me over and by the way don't be the first one in that row rule. Yes, I know that rule exist.

9. I forgot to add that If you are not working, you are not allowed to be on the road during rush hour as in rule 1. Its really not that important to get to the mall before it opens to mall walk.

10. Whoever developed the idea that we should have restricted lanes in the middle like they do in Chicago and Washington and have no logic where the lanes are open to those that don't need it when you are at a stand still hoping you could just get into it so you can make your appointment that you made 4 months ago and can't miss should be shot or flogged in public. No, I have no experience with this. Why do you ask?

On a bright note, I utilized my elite status on Airtran to get upgraded to first class for free. All is good in the world now.

Ok, all for now. Have a nice weekend.

Tackling the tough questions......

I was watching SpongeBob recently (dont ask) and I began to reflect on some great ones from the past. One of my favorite was the Justice League. Always fighting the Legion of Doom, the Super Friends did what they could to defeat the foe. Yet, there was an issue with the Justice League that today I cannot answer and need to be explored…..

How did the Wonder Twins make the cut?

To recap those that are unfamiliar with this set of heroes, they would do the fist bump and the girl (Jayna) could change into any animal and the boy (Zan) would change into a water feature. They also had a monkey named Gleek? I am not too sure its role other than just being the monkey. Gleek had no power. (Where the hell did they come up with these names anyway?) In fact, the monkey only got into trouble and made it worse. I don’t remember anything positive that the monkey provided. Anyway, so you have Superman, Batman and Robin, Wonder Woman, etc. and they had significant powers or coolness about them. The Twins…nothing really, right?

“Wonder Twin powers…activate. Form of an elephant…..shape of a bucket of water”! Why, did someone need a shower?

“Form of an eagle….shape of an icicle!” Why? Did someone needed to be stabbed and an eagle was not suspicious as an attacker?

Seriously, how did they even think about this? Since when does anyone who is in trouble think “Boy, if an eagle with an icicle would come down and stab this criminal, the world would be a better place”.

So, I have digressed from the point on how they became part of the Super Friends. Did a story board meeting at DC comics go like this?

Director: Ok, so the Legion of Doom is trying to leak oil into the Gulf of Mexico. The oil will suffocate the ocean and destroy the earth!! We need someone to stop them.

Writer: Cool. Can we just have superman fly into the gulf and plug the hole?

Director: No, the oil has kryptonite properties.

Writer: Oh. Um, can Wonder Woman fly her plane into the ocean and use a beam to close the leak?

Director: No, it’s a no fly zone.

Writer: Really? Ok, can the Green Lantern use his green laser to close the hole?

Director: No, it’s during the daylight hours.

Writer: What? WTF? What does that have to do with the laser? Seriously. OK, so what about Aquaman? He could use water animals to fix this.

Director: Have you no shame!! The oil, it will kill the mammals!!!!!

Writer: You got to be kidding me. What about Hawkman?

Director: Can’t swim. Don’t you know that feathers and water don’t mix? And haven’t you seen how birds look with oil on their feathers? It’s so hard to remove unless you have Dawn since they cut through grease.

Writer: Yeah, whatever. Flash?

Director: Um, underwater?

Writer: Holy crap. Batman and Robin?

Director: Wouldn’t their suits get wet? That would not be comfortable.

Writer: And??? Good Lord. Wait, we could add the Wonder Twins into the show?

Director: Explain.

Writer: Well, she could be a whale and he would be a water plug. She would swim down and use him to plug the hole.

Director: Hummm. Can she be a walrus with a water collar and use her tusk to plug the hole?

Writer: Why would a walrus have a water collar? Wouldn’t the walrus drown underwater?

Director: Just do it, damn it….Do I have to do all the work here!!! In fact, make the twins a staple on the show!!!

Writer: (walking away) ok, ok….geez….

Yep, I think that’s how it went.

All from an informerical.....

I was watching an infomercial this morning since I woke up at 5am. It was on hip hop abs by Sean T. That is the same guy who does the intensity workout program that can transform you in 60 days. Regardless, the infomercial claims that you don’t have to do a sit up and you get rock hard abs. Of course, to sweeten the deal, they added stuff like free express delivery and even removes one of the 4 easy payments.

But that’s not the point. The point is even if I thought this was ridiculous to begin with, how many other workout programs out there attempted to make it and didn’t? Here are my top five;

Mister Rodgers sneaker and sweater total fitness routine. I imagine him coming to the room with leg warmers and a sweat band singing “it’s a wonder day for a workout, a wonderful day for a workout, would you join me? Would you join me?”. The routine would be repeating sitting down and removing the sneakers and sweater, replacing them then standing. “Come on gang, slid those crocs on and off”. “Move it with the cardigans”. Level two would impose tying a bow knot and doing the buttons. The puppet king would cheer in the back ground.

Lurch’s Yoga workshop. I think the audience would faze out when he just tries to explain the routine. “OOOOKKKK, WELLLCOMMME TOOO THHHEEE SHOOOWWW. AAAHHHHH………” He would be great at the stretching but bomb on the tree pose. Would the hand in the box pop out and do the running man? I would love to see Morticia in a one piece spandex. Uncle Fester would just laugh in the background and run like a mad man.

Buckwheat’s cotton pickin cardio blast. Just thinking about this made me smile. “Otay, the man is wantin his cotton. Let go”……The workout would be running from field to field without getting whipped. “Got me a bag….ouch….Oh, the man….run….” Would the sweat make the hair limp that is always standing up? Would the gang be in the back ground supporting him? Would they make the line behind him and would they even be able to keep up? Would Eddie Murphy make a guest appearance? This would also make a great video game for Nintendo in the lines of frogger. I know its racist. Just try to overlook that point.

The Celebrity WII workout programs. For men, you have the Pamela Anderson’s push up routine and J-Lo’s squat for life. (Please lord, make this come true. I would buy this one). For women, the Brad Pitt and George Clooney just stare at my abs while I flex routine. I guess if they have lick-o-TV, this would be perfect. Seriously, they already flaunt on TV or movies? Is it that far off? Not really right? Hell, remember that one workout show where there were these women in a white room, wearing skin tight one piece spandex suits and the cameras just circled them as they did their workout? I freaked out as a kid watching that. It was soft porn in my book. Anyway…. The workout would use the WII yoga board and the participant would jog in place just to keep the image clear. Slow down and its gets blurry. Speed up and you have the option of the close up. There would be no overweight people in the world.

Body for life with Calista Flockhart. “Everyone can be 85 pound like me”! “Walk on wax paper like a Ninja and not be heard”. Level one, the chew and purge. Level 2, act like you are eating when you are not. Level 3, mastering the art of eating tofu. Ok, I am sick to my stomach now.

Honorable mention

Muhammad Ali and Michael J Fox shake it up dance routine. I know, it’s wrong. I have asked God for forgiveness. But when I thought about it, I laughed my butt off. Am I wrong?


Yeah, I know……..my mind is out there in left field…..