All from an informerical.....

I was watching an infomercial this morning since I woke up at 5am. It was on hip hop abs by Sean T. That is the same guy who does the intensity workout program that can transform you in 60 days. Regardless, the infomercial claims that you don’t have to do a sit up and you get rock hard abs. Of course, to sweeten the deal, they added stuff like free express delivery and even removes one of the 4 easy payments.

But that’s not the point. The point is even if I thought this was ridiculous to begin with, how many other workout programs out there attempted to make it and didn’t? Here are my top five;

Mister Rodgers sneaker and sweater total fitness routine. I imagine him coming to the room with leg warmers and a sweat band singing “it’s a wonder day for a workout, a wonderful day for a workout, would you join me? Would you join me?”. The routine would be repeating sitting down and removing the sneakers and sweater, replacing them then standing. “Come on gang, slid those crocs on and off”. “Move it with the cardigans”. Level two would impose tying a bow knot and doing the buttons. The puppet king would cheer in the back ground.

Lurch’s Yoga workshop. I think the audience would faze out when he just tries to explain the routine. “OOOOKKKK, WELLLCOMMME TOOO THHHEEE SHOOOWWW. AAAHHHHH………” He would be great at the stretching but bomb on the tree pose. Would the hand in the box pop out and do the running man? I would love to see Morticia in a one piece spandex. Uncle Fester would just laugh in the background and run like a mad man.

Buckwheat’s cotton pickin cardio blast. Just thinking about this made me smile. “Otay, the man is wantin his cotton. Let go”……The workout would be running from field to field without getting whipped. “Got me a bag….ouch….Oh, the man….run….” Would the sweat make the hair limp that is always standing up? Would the gang be in the back ground supporting him? Would they make the line behind him and would they even be able to keep up? Would Eddie Murphy make a guest appearance? This would also make a great video game for Nintendo in the lines of frogger. I know its racist. Just try to overlook that point.

The Celebrity WII workout programs. For men, you have the Pamela Anderson’s push up routine and J-Lo’s squat for life. (Please lord, make this come true. I would buy this one). For women, the Brad Pitt and George Clooney just stare at my abs while I flex routine. I guess if they have lick-o-TV, this would be perfect. Seriously, they already flaunt on TV or movies? Is it that far off? Not really right? Hell, remember that one workout show where there were these women in a white room, wearing skin tight one piece spandex suits and the cameras just circled them as they did their workout? I freaked out as a kid watching that. It was soft porn in my book. Anyway…. The workout would use the WII yoga board and the participant would jog in place just to keep the image clear. Slow down and its gets blurry. Speed up and you have the option of the close up. There would be no overweight people in the world.

Body for life with Calista Flockhart. “Everyone can be 85 pound like me”! “Walk on wax paper like a Ninja and not be heard”. Level one, the chew and purge. Level 2, act like you are eating when you are not. Level 3, mastering the art of eating tofu. Ok, I am sick to my stomach now.

Honorable mention

Muhammad Ali and Michael J Fox shake it up dance routine. I know, it’s wrong. I have asked God for forgiveness. But when I thought about it, I laughed my butt off. Am I wrong?


Yeah, I know……..my mind is out there in left field…..